Missing in Action

Joe died, and I went missing in action. 

It doesn't look like I'm gone -- I'm engaged in everyday life and actually enjoying it much of the time. But parts of my heart, soul and spirit were so hurt when Joe died, that they fled and haven’t come back. I didn’t expect them to suddenly re-appear alive and well nine months later, but will they ever come back? Or were these parts mortally wounded? I can’t even explain precisely what I’m missing, which is weird too for someone who constantly over-analyzes things until I figure them out. But this one's got me stumped.

What I do know is the person I love most in this world is gone. I feel like this love is adrift and doesn't know the way back home. Shattered bits of myself are floating around out there somewhere -- I feel like a puzzle with lots of missing pieces. Not quite sure who I am anymore -- I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm tired, I want Joe.  

This is the first time in my life that I've lived alone. Prior to college, I lived with my parents like most of us do, and afterwards, even the early years in Steamboat, I had roommates. Then Joe and I were together close to 20 years. As scary as things were when Joe was sick, we were together -- we were us. We were holding out for that miracle, we were supposed to grow old together. That's the way it works, right?

Now it's just me.

People ask how I am, and I honestly don’t know. “I’m fine…I’m good…you know….” What I really want to say is that I miss holding Joe's hand as we went to sleep. Or I can't move his toothbrush or razor from the bathroom sink. Or seeing his tool belt in the garage makes me want to weep uncontrollably.

God says that we were created in His image. "So God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God He created them; male and female he created them." -- Genesis 1:27

I think that our emotion of deep grief is one way that God gives us insight into Himself. I think He grieves every time He loses one of us. It makes Him sad when we don't try to get to know Him better. I think I heard Him tell me today that I haven't made much of an effort at getting to know Him. He’s got a point. 

But I've been kinda frustrated with Jesus for not swooping in and miraculously making me less broken. I realized today that He's not going to comfort me or take care of me in the same way that Joe did. Jesus is Divine, after all, and His ways are not our ways. But I do think the love Joe had for me is a likeness of what Jesus will do for me if I will let Him do it His way. He's a pretty creative guy, and I have to let go of my own expectations of how and when I should be fixed and let Him shape me as He will.

As I reflect on my life, I realize that God has been there every step of the way, even in the darkest of times. I’ll elaborate on that in another Blog post. He has provided me with everything I need to keep moving and to keep living this thing called life. I think He will re-create the part of me that’s missing or hurt beyond repair, so I can be the whole me again. I will never be the same, but that's God's Will and His purpose for me, so I guess I gotta roll with it.

“I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land.” -- Isaiah 43:19

“You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand.” -- Oceans, Hillsong United