Missing in Action

Joe died, and I went missing in action. 

It doesn't look like I'm gone -- I'm engaged in everyday life and actually enjoying it much of the time. But parts of my heart, soul and spirit were so hurt when Joe died, that they fled and haven’t come back. I didn’t expect them to suddenly re-appear alive and well nine months later, but will they ever come back? Or were these parts mortally wounded? I can’t even explain precisely what I’m missing, which is weird too for someone who constantly over-analyzes things until I figure them out. But this one's got me stumped.

What I do know is the person I love most in this world is gone. I feel like this love is adrift and doesn't know the way back home. Shattered bits of myself are floating around out there somewhere -- I feel like a puzzle with lots of missing pieces. Not quite sure who I am anymore -- I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm tired, I want Joe.  

This is the first time in my life that I've lived alone. Prior to college, I lived with my parents like most of us do, and afterwards, even the early years in Steamboat, I had roommates. Then Joe and I were together close to 20 years. As scary as things were when Joe was sick, we were together -- we were us. We were holding out for that miracle, we were supposed to grow old together. That's the way it works, right?

Now it's just me.

People ask how I am, and I honestly don’t know. “I’m fine…I’m good…you know….” What I really want to say is that I miss holding Joe's hand as we went to sleep. Or I can't move his toothbrush or razor from the bathroom sink. Or seeing his tool belt in the garage makes me want to weep uncontrollably.

God says that we were created in His image. "So God created human beings in His own image. In the image of God He created them; male and female he created them." -- Genesis 1:27

I think that our emotion of deep grief is one way that God gives us insight into Himself. I think He grieves every time He loses one of us. It makes Him sad when we don't try to get to know Him better. I think I heard Him tell me today that I haven't made much of an effort at getting to know Him. He’s got a point. 

But I've been kinda frustrated with Jesus for not swooping in and miraculously making me less broken. I realized today that He's not going to comfort me or take care of me in the same way that Joe did. Jesus is Divine, after all, and His ways are not our ways. But I do think the love Joe had for me is a likeness of what Jesus will do for me if I will let Him do it His way. He's a pretty creative guy, and I have to let go of my own expectations of how and when I should be fixed and let Him shape me as He will.

As I reflect on my life, I realize that God has been there every step of the way, even in the darkest of times. I’ll elaborate on that in another Blog post. He has provided me with everything I need to keep moving and to keep living this thing called life. I think He will re-create the part of me that’s missing or hurt beyond repair, so I can be the whole me again. I will never be the same, but that's God's Will and His purpose for me, so I guess I gotta roll with it.

“I am going to do something new. It is already happening. Don't you recognize it? I will clear a way in the desert. I will make rivers on dry land.” -- Isaiah 43:19

“You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand.” -- Oceans, Hillsong United

A Joe Day

Yesterday was a “Joe Day.” Joe Days always start out with well-meaning plans like cleaning the house, doing laundry, catching up on work, taking Bella on an all-day hike, paddleboarding, tennis -- A Ferris Bueller kind of day with some responsible adult stuff weaved in. But as the clock ticks, I never seem to get much done. It’s like I know I need a Joe Day, but I try to convince myself that I don’t. It’s much more productive to not need one, right? 

My Joe Days consist of a whole lot of nothing -- hanging pictures that are fine where they are in different locations; looking at the green blob where Bella threw up grass on the carpet -- I really need to do something about that -- I tried halfheartedly once…; nibbling on stale pretzels, they taste better with chocolate chips; I have a new grapefruit vodka drink I like, do I have to wait until 5pm to have one? and so on......Mostly, I think about Joe. I wonder when I'll heal and what that will look like, but my heart believes that I'll never heal from this, maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe healing is just another word for learning how to live a different way.

I managed to put the pretzel and chocolate chip bags down long enough to go on a hike behind my house that leads to an overlook of the lake where I live. Joe and I hiked to this spot a lot, and I couldn’t resist looking for tidbits of Cutie (tangerine) peel that we might have dropped from hikes a year ago -- little Hansel and Gretel orange crumbs leading me back home to Joe. I didn’t find any, and I didn’t find Joe either. I sat on a log and cried. I cried for Joe, I cried for me, and I cried to Jesus to give me a sign.

If you’ve read my Blog before, you know that God speaks to me a lot through songs. So the Chicago song “I Don’t Want to Live Without Your Love” was playing on Sirius as I was eating dinner last night (surprisingly, pretzels and chocolate chips aren’t that filling). The song is quintessential 80’s with a cheese rating of 11 out of 10, and the video is even worse. I won’t share the video here, since this really isn’t a humor Blog, but the Chicago guitarist says of it: “How could that many people in positions of power make all the decisions that produced such a visual abomination?” he marvels. Calling the video a “heinous, hideous, humorless, horrific, horrendous, horror from hell.” Look it up if you’re brave enough -- it’s putrid.

Forgive the digression. The point is, for as cheesy as the song is, the words spoke to me.

“I don't want to live without your love,
I don't want to face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't want to love nobody else,
I don't want to find somebody new.
I don't want to live without your love,
I just want to live my life with you.” -- Chicago, I Don’t Want To Live Without Your Love

The lyrics echoed what I’d been thinking all day. I miss Joe, and I want my old life back. I don’t want what I have now. I don’t want it, and I don’t like it. (Arms Crossed and Foot Stomp)

So a few hours after my hike and after begging Jesus for a sign, He talked to me through that silly song. After I heard the line “I don’t want to live without your love,” it hit me.

“Love never ends.” -- 1 Corinthians 13:8

Why didn’t this occur to me before? I don’t have to live without Joe’s love! The Bible says that “Love never ends,” and that’s the undeniable Truth. From the website www.gotquestions.org, “Because love is a basic attribute of God (1 John 4:8), and because God is eternal, love will also be eternal. Love will never fail.”

So somewhere in a zone without time and space, Joe’s love for me continues just as mine continues for him. Love lives forever and ever. It's always here, always, it never goes away. I’d like to believe that something is happening with that love, maybe it’s maturing and growing and blossoming in some way that I can’t understand on this side of eternity. But I do feel that the love that connects Joe and I is still very much alive and is still very much shared. And that makes my broken heart smile.

“Don’t give up, don’t give up
I feel you breaking;
Don’t give up, don’t give up,
We all need saving…” -- Ryan Star, Don’t Give Up

“I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” -- Romans 8:38–39