I'll See You in My Dreams

It’s been 4 months and 8 days since Joe died. Not that I’m counting…

Sadness and missing him colors every day and everything I do, but by the grace of God, my sorrow is not all-encompassing. Somehow, I still get up, I still eat (too much), I still work, I still laugh, I still play. Maybe not as much as I used to and with not as much conviction as before, but I do these things – and that gives me hope. Hope that maybe life will go from black and white to high definition again one day.

Every now and again during the past 4 years of our journey, I would “stumble” upon a video or article or some other something or someone that I knew God placed in my path for a reason. At the time, my head knew these were breadcrumbs from God, but my heart didn’t want them – I didn’t want to have to rely on them. So I tried not to think about them. But despite my best efforts, each snippet had been lodged in my heart, waiting to be retrieved when needed.

One of those snippets came from a video I watched on the Internet probably three years ago about a man whose wife died from cancer. He said that God didn’t choose to heal his wife; He chose to save her. I’ve never forgotten the wistful look on the man’s face and how sadly hopeful his words sounded. He knew that God had reasons of His own for not answering prayers the way we want. We don’t know what those reasons are, and we wish the story’s ending had been different. I wish I didn’t know how he feels.

I don’t know why Joe wasn’t healed. We prayed, we begged, we did all the things we thought God told us to do. I’m confused, hurt and so desperately sad that it’s hard to catch my breath. I wish that Joe dying from cancer hadn't been God’s will. Why does His will have to be so hard and so unfair? Shouldn’t life be about what I want? It's all about me, right? (Ok, don’t answer those questions…)

When I get hung up on what I wanted, it helps me to think about Jesus. Talk about unfair. He did everything right, and He could easily have saved Himself from the horror of His death on the Cross. And the shame that preceded His death. He begged His Father to change His mind. “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine.” -- Luke 22:42

If even Jesus struggled with God’s will, I guess I’m not so weird after all. And, as we all know, Jesus chose to fulfill God’s will to save us. We are His joy – we always will be. I thank God that Jesus chose us rather than what would have been easiest for Him.

"We must never stop looking to Jesus. He is the leader of our faith, and He is the one who makes our faith complete. He suffered death on a cross. But He accepted the shame of the cross as if it were nothing because of the joy He could see waiting for him. And now He is sitting at the right side of God’s throne." -- Hebrews 12:2 (CEV)

Like that man in the video’s wife, Jesus didn’t choose to heal Joe, but He did save him. Forever in Heaven is a long time, and knowing that I'll see him there brings me peace. Can anything be more important? Can anything be more hopeful? Four years of life with cancer saved us both, to be honest. It’s strange how God uses exactly what we fear most to bring us to Himself. 

I’m trying to accept that God’s will was not what I wanted and to be the person He created me to be, because just maybe it's not all about me. Moving past myself to move forward is the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. But I realize it’s my choice to make, and He will drop breadcrumbs whenever I start to lose my way.

I’m not exactly sure what Joe is doing right now, but I kinda believe he prays for me -- probably all the time, because he knows how needy I am. I also believe when he's not praying for me, he's using his carpentry skills. Or maybe he can pray for me and work at the same time, because I bet folks can multi-task pretty easily in Heaven. At any rate, Jesus says that He is building many mansions for us. Joe built our home in Colorado, so it stands to reason that he’s working on our home in Heaven.

“In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” -- John 14:2

My nephew introduced me a few weeks ago to Amazon Prime movies and helped me install the app on my Smart TV. Hundreds of “free” movies at the click of a remote control button. Who knew? So I watched a movie last night called “I’ll See You in my Dreams.” It made me think of Joe (everything does), and I wished that I had dreams about Joe. I think I will, but I must not be ready. Anyway, I loved the theme song of the movie. Hope you do too.